Bachelor and a Bottle; White Claw Edition

Editor’s Note: The Claw’s did Carl some favors this week as this may be his best work. It also helps that Swordfish Shirley has joined the fight. Is it still confusing? Absolutely.

Yeaaaaaaaaaah buddy, you read that right. No wine for this fish tonight, it’s all about the claws. Did a little looking online and did you know that Peter’s mother was miss Illinois and won $10,000 back in her day in the Miss America Pageant? Also I want to point out Peter’s scar and I hope all the Harry Potter fans appreciate this…You’re a bachelor Peter. This season has simply not been a good one. There has been less bloopers, and far more petty drama. I would also like to introduce my partner in crime, Swordfish Shirley. Shirley has been a recent friend of Carl’s that breaks down each episode and she needs some spotlight. So here we go, dive with us into deeper waters as Peter explores the depths of his love life.

Peter and Madison 1 v 1

Has there ever been a more solid connection on the Bachelor before? The way that Madison carries herself and handles all of their interaction seems so genuine and natural. Madison is from Alabama which is already up Peter’s alley anyways. It feels like this is the first time hearing Madison openly speaking about her views and what she sees in Peter and their future. Side note, Swordfish Shirley and I agree that Peter is in desperate need of a haircut.

ARE WE FINALLY JUST NOW SEEING SOME REAL LIFE INTERACTION BETWEEN THESE PEOPLE? I respect Peter for being honest that he values Madison’s religious values, and admits that he is not as invested. This date is going well, nothing more to see here…OHHHHH MY GAWD HE JUST USED THE L WORD!!!!! *editor please insert a siren gif, not a cheesy one, I want the readers to know that this isn’t a drill.

Peter and Natasha 1 on 1

Peter and Natasha finally get their solo date which has been long overdue. Does it feel obvious to everyone else thatPeter doesn’t have that spark with Natasha? When Peter is around Madison, Hannah, and Kelsey he can’t control his smiling and how he interacts. It feels like Peter is an employer interviewing a potential hire. Swordfish Shirley would like to point out that Natasha’s answers are so superficial. They are so prepared and don’t seem genuine because they haven’t really had that time to connect. How big of an asshole can you be to pick up the rose and just put it back and say no. Natasha is a great person, I believe that. Oh hey Trent Ryan, Mr. Luggage guy. For those who don’t know that was Trent who is a blogger and part of content for Barstool Sports. He recently got into The Bachelor 3 years ago and openly talked about how his dream is to be the Luggage Guy. Kudos to him to keep it a secret until now and live out his dream.

Peter and Kelsey 1 on 1

Kelsey says she has never been on a four wheeler before and I will forever trash Iowa. Iowa is officially cancelled as a midwest state. I’ve swam past it a time or two over the summers when vacationing up to Minnesota up the Mississippi River. Just a state full of weak fishermen and no professional sports. But enough of that, does anyone else see Peter and Kelsey making it to the end? This is a genuine question. I don’t picture Kelsey fitting into the LA lifestyle. I could see Peter being 30,000 feet in the sky and Kelsey sending a text reminding him not to be looking at flight attendants. Swordfish Shirley would like to know why Kelsey has to get emotional when asking herself questions. Upon further review hearing about her father and mother, it makes total sense and it has to be so hard to go through. Can we all agree that since Kelsey was blasted with Champagne that she has slowly grown on everyone? I am looking forward to seeing how this relationship moves forward, and you should be too.

Peter with Hannah, Victoria, and Kelley

What was the purpose of that guy talking to everyone? They talked in front of a chapel where his family have all got married, and they left. Hannah Ann and tears go together like USA and freedom. It just doesn’t feel genuine. She will say something emotional, but when he talks she evaluates the response and is methodical. Hannah Ann does not feel genuine currently. Swordfish Shirley would like to claim this is the fakest part of the season. She knows how to manipulate him and put on a good show. Kelley seems too confident for how their situation is. The tone of Peter’s voice just screams that he does not see this relationship moving forward. Victoria has this standoff ish vibe to her. The initial chat when they sat together reminded me of the last three bass in my life. Read my last article and you know that isn’t a good thing. Victoria has such a self entitled aroma around herself, and falling back to crying is the only self defense she has. When Victoria and Peter walked away, I would like to just point out what Swordfish Shirley had to said. “You sound like a fucking child that doesn’t want to leave the waterpark. Dry your ass off and get in the fucking van.” Somehow Victoria gets the rose after the most mediocre talk with each other to this day. Peter giving a rose to Victoria and not Kelley is frustrating to say the least. Hannah Ann crying then saying, “I’ve worked so hard” has me livid. It just sounds so bad. Peter sends home the only girl with a real job and a steady future.

Peter closes out the Final Four

Next week should be nothing more than electric. From the previews it looks like Madison is going to have a tough time with the religious aspect. Madison is a virgin, which from what we know about Colton’s season WHO CARES. If I were Peter, I would be pumped about that. You have a deep connection with someone who has strong values to herself and knows who they are and where they want to be. Peter and Victoria is the most toxic relationship I have ever seen. Victoria is the craziest psycho and would be the PERFECT for Bachelor in Paradise. Kelsey’s mom is going to ruin it for her it feels like, but whatever that is a bullet dodged. There weren’t any real previews that made Hannah Ann look bad, so there is a final two. Next week I will be drinking a special wine, so get ready for special thoughts. Until next time, Catfish Carl and Swordfish Shirley out!

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