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Bottle and a Bachelor: 1st Glass

The first Monday of 2020 did not disappoint. For the next several months, Mondays will no longer be the most dreaded day with The Bachelor entertaining millions of households worldwide. Peter may be one of the most genuine and nicest guys that have been The Bachelor yet. Family man, bilingual, and just tells it how it is. The aeronautical angel grew up a mere 10 minutes away from the mansion which makes it even better. Somehow he was able to have a conversation with all of the women before the first rose ceremony, which you don’t see often. There were many twists and turns right, which I will get into later. But first I will briefly talk about my first impression on some of the women for Peter Webers season.

First I want to compliment the producers, who really know how to move the needle. In the first scene, we get to see Alexa doing what she loves….waxing people. As soon as the first rip of the beaver happened I gave the most accurate “Ohhhh myy gawwwwwd” rendition of Lola from Big Mouth. Hannah Ann and Madison were the most impressive to me from the beginning solo intros. Madison being from Auburn was a nice addition as it rivals Hannah B from Alabama who broke Peter’s big, beautiful heart. With Hannah Ann and Madison in the mix, I hope Hannah B gets to experience finishing third just like the Crimson Tide in the SEC this year. That’s what you get for screwing Peter 5 ways last season. (4 sex, 1 elimination)

The first impressions coming out of the limo were not as good as Colton’s season but there was still a lot to digest. 

Knowing the Scouting Report

Victoria F…YIKES. Bold move to tell someone you first meet “I have a dry sense of humor, but that’s the only dry thing about me”. Unfortunately for her, he forgot her name later and she had to repeat the opener in a very cringe-worthy way. Her plan crashed and burned, “hard”, unlike Peter’s peter. (BOOM ROASTED).

Alayah played the grandma card. Peter’s grandma is named Rose and it just so happened that Alayah’s grandma has the exact same name. Shocker. They read the note from Alayah’s grandma later in the night and I have doubts her grandmother wrote this.

Hannah Ann just kept it simple, she knew she didn’t have to do much. First impressions are key, she was confident and made sure to keep things moving. She had a plan to shoot her shot later, which she did. 

Lauren rocking the jumpsuit/dress. LOVE IT, Jumpsuit January just started, she planned this. 

Maurissa…….NO PINKY PROMISES! Do you really want to just make a pinky promise with someone you don’t even know right off the bat and think, I got this in the bag? Do better, this isn’t the 4th grade. 

Eunice thought she had everyone beat with the wings and being a flight attendant. God bless you ABC producers, the poor girl thought she was the only one until damn near everyone else who walked in claimed to be a flight attendant as well. You could just see her soul leave her body and she was just so defeated. The devil may work hard, but ABC producers work much harder. 

Jenna brought a cow and had him watch over it. It took her one minute to tell Peter she is a vegan, which is probably a record since it usually is the first thing vegans tell people. “Nice to meet you! I’m vegan named Savannah with a bland personality similar to my diet.” 

Hannah Alabama…….you sly devil you! Girls asking if it is legal for her to be on is a fair question to ask. That’s like playing in the New Hampshire state football championship and the other team decides to substitute Tom Brady in.  He wanted to be anywhere but there when she walked out. He looked around for help like “wtf is this girl doing here right now?” Hannah returned Peter’s wings to him that she was gifted last season. What a solid move, she knows what she is doing. He is still all about her, even if he is staring at all these women. He was hoping there was a chance she was going to just walk right into the house and tell the girls she’s the captain now.

By the way, take a drink when you hear someone say they or someone else is vulnerable. You’ll be hammered before the first girl begins to cry. 

Peter is about to suck face with so many women. We just went from the soft and shy world of Colton to SEX IT UP PETEY. Mykenna had one of the most relatable clips to everyone as she just started chugging wine as Peter started making out with other women.

If I were to go out and really wanting to find love, I would want to go out first rose ceremony. I may not be the hottest, and I may be crazy…but someone will see me out there and want me just because I was on the show. That or some other reality show saw some potential in my lonesome crazy self. But it would just suck to sit around in a mansion days at a time waiting for a 30-minute talk with someone and not make it to the end. I know they get a stipend and it is kind of nice to be out there, but that has to be so difficult.

First Challenge Time!

The first challenge we find out that Hannah is the only one good at math during the challenge. To some of the women, a mile in the sky is where satellites roam and asteroids fall. There were women who thought the mile high club was 30,000 miles in the air…..30,000…..go USA public school system! 

The traumatic teacup scene was truly amazing. Bravo editing team. Gotta love a girl crying about the rules when she didn’t have a chance at winning the competition. I’m not sorry you didn’t even make it out of the port-o-potty in time, get back in loser. 

Kelley took a page out of the Patriots playbook. She saw the finish line and didn’t give a damn about the rules. She got the job done and won some special one on one time with Pete the Pilot. *Side note I need to make NFL team comparisons to the women*

Pete took Kelley to the same hotel they originally met. That was the easiest softball to hit I have ever seen. Nice to see Peter take control and take her to the exact spot. This has me wondering if all they did was have a little kiss on that night. Peter remembered way too much to just kiss a person and know all of the details that night.

I thought Kelley was playing it too conservative until out of nowhere Peter lifts her romper wearin’ body and places her on the counter. I’ve seen enough Brazzer videos to know what was about to happen and Peter was about to go for the kill. Kelley gets the rose and Peter moves on to the next one. Kelley is in a good spot.

Madison Shines Bright

Madison gets a one on one date with Peter and the setup is strange. Why are Peter’s parents celebrating their marriage and renewing their wedding vowels on the 33rd anniversary? Ohhhh that’s right, its TV. Madison gets placed right in the middle of the crowd amongst family and shares some special moments with Peter’s mother. Not a single person in the country was surprised when she caught the bouquet. They end the night with the family all dancing along with Peter and Madison. You could just end the show now. How do you top that?

Drama at the Finish Line

That brings us to the most awkward part of the season yet. Hannah B is in control of the group date. I will give Peter credit, he indeed had no idea what the date was about but he was informed Hannah B was assisting. He was just as much in the dark as his dates.

All the girls screamed like they were excited to see Hannah B…you know they wanted to scream BURN BITCH! 

Hannah B described the entire “windmill” night when they had sex 3 times and then once in the morning and the dates were not so pleased. You had the oblivious ones who laughed and woo’d but anyone with common sense would ask “What the hell is going on here?” She gets done and for some reason, a couple of the women began clapping like they just saw Hamilton on stage. 

This is where the real drama begins. The episode ends with Peter addressing a crying Hannah B with a “what’s wrong birthday girl”. Birthday girl?! That had to be the worst birthday of her life. Also don’t they make waterproof mascara? She looked like a linebacker after a game with all that eye black under her eyes. 

A confused Peter finally starts asking questions that any person would want answered if you were in his shoes. He still cared so much about Hannah B but needed to know exactly what she was thinking then and why it is all coming up now. I do want to address that I don’t appreciate Hannah trying to turn it on Peter by saying Tyler had been messaging her afterward and keeping contact and questioning Peter on why he did not do the same if he still had feelings. Ohhhhh Hellllllll No. 

First off that is against the rules to have that contact before the live show. Peter followed the rules, Tyler didn’t. Also, side note, Tyler you can do whatever the hell you want, stay golden Pony Boy. 

But Hannah B, you are really going to move 20 minutes away from Peter and then not reach out? Boooooooooooooo. I doubt Hannah B stays on the show but the producers are the best in the game so nothing is off the table. I could see something like Hannah B leaving but returning later in the show like the movie scenes of someone chasing back a former lover. Peter, you know what to do, tell her to kick rocks. It won’t be easy and it goes against everything your heart is telling you, but she made you her 3rd option and even asked Tyler on a date after the live reaction show in front of you. NEXT. 

I will have another article up about some interesting things I have read up on. PLEASE NOTE: Article will contain spoilers. So for all the innocent fans, you have been warned. If you want to know dirt about some of these women that trace back to October when it was all being filmed…be ready for one wild ride. Twitter is about to become the wild wild west, and nobody is safe this season.

Thank you!

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